Navigating Mental Health in Academia

"10/7/20: probably my worst day to ever exist... i couldn't concentrate on anything today for longer than 10 minutes without getting frustrated that i wasn't finishing faster... even tho i was physically tired, my mind didn't want me to rest. i was thinking, saying, and doing things way out of character. i dropped out of school for the quarter... i feel like i'm in an out-of-body experience where i can't control myself. i just keep doing these things and my mind is yelling at me to stop but my impulsion won't shut up unless i do it. it's now 10:05pm and i haven't had a full meal. i can't stomach it..."

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Fall of 2020 I began to notice weird patterns in my behavior, causing me to log my emotions in the Notes app for months. I would go from depressed to ecstatic to irritated to suicidal to paranoid, and these emotions would rotate for days or weeks on end. I had learned about bipolar disorder in my General Psychology class, and I knew my paternal grandmother had bipolar I disorder as well, but for some reason I was in denial. After ignoring these signs for months, I dropped out of school on a whim. I was trying to take an Intro to Chemistry class that quarter, and I couldn't focus on any of my assignments or readings. I got so frustrated that I reached out to my friend that had taken a quarter off from school and asked for the information on how he did it. He sent me the link to the Planned Educational Leave Program form, and I filled it out and sent it in within 10 minutes. I was completely over school.

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Sure, taking a quarter off isn't too bad. People do it all of the time for personal or financial reasons. However, I did not plan to go back. Instead, I was working 60 to 70 hours a week (with no benefits) between two minimum wage jobs that provided no career growth or opportunities. I told my parents that I was planning on dropping out of school and them, being over 7 hours away, told me that I would have to return to my hometown if I didn't enroll in school again. I was irritated that they didn't see my reasoning for dropping out, but nevertheless I enrolled again the following quarters. We were still in quarantine during that time so I managed to work 40 hours a week at my waitressing job and attend mandatory classes. The classes that weren't mandatory... I didn't attend. I was paralyzed from depression for days or weeks on end and I couldn't bare to do any mental work.

 

In Spring Quarter of 2021 I took an Abnormal Psychology class, and learned about the diagnosis and treatment for bipolar disorder. It was official, I'm bipolar. I knew I needed to see professionals to get the right treatment, especially since this was a lifelong disorder that only gets worse over time. In one severely depressive episode in March 2021, I contacted a hospital in my area to get a diagnosis. I approached the physician and explained all of my symptoms, starting with the manic episode where I dropped out of school. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder with psychotic features, meaning I inherited the same mental illness my paternal grandmother had. Since I had already come to terms with my diagnosis, I adhered to medication and started seeing therapists regularly. I didn't know it, but my life was about to get so much easier.

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Long story short, I quit my job over the summer of 2021 and told everyone I was going to focus on my freshman year goal of becoming a cognitive neuroscientist. I began focusing on my courses, I gained internships, and I completely turned my life around by the time I graduated.

 

In order to maintain a relatively stable lifestyle, I adhered to these main rules:

1. Work during daytime, usually between the hours of 8am and 7pm

2. Work on assignments and projects way in advance, focusing on 1-2 hours per assignment per day

3. ALWAYS take the medication prescribed, and if the medication isn't working then contact a medical professional

4. See a therapist at least once a month, and if therapy is inaccessible then monitor your symptoms every day

5. Sleep 8-10 hours every night, and try to maintain the same sleep schedule every day (yes, even on weekends)

6. Plan one day a week to take completely off, such as a Saturday or Sunday, where you have no commitments and you can mentally disconnect from all of your stressors

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Since working in research full-time, I notice that (in most cases) research jobs can allow for this strict schedule. Researchers across the nation have been moving to hybrid working environments, and therefore also have flexible hours. My current job is especially welcoming to these policies, where some weeks I go into the lab 3 times and other weeks I don't leave my apartment. I'm able to manage all of my tasks at the pace I want, with the slight pressure of deadlines every now and then, but I typically adhere to working on projects well in advance.

 

A downside to this academic lifestyle, on the other hand, is that there is the pressure of working on tasks outside of normal working hours. I will receive emails at all hours of the day, and I feel pressured to respond. However, with better boundaries and respectful coworkers, these "negatives" are hardly worth commenting on. My experience could be different from others, but that is why connecting with professors and graduate students is necessary before committing to their lab environment.

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I want to really succeed despite the everyday changes I have to make in order to live a stable lifestyle, and inspire other students facing mental health challenges to follow their passions as well. I hope to advocate for accommodations in academia, so future generations can succeed.